By Sandra Miller
Daily Evening Item, Lynn, Mass.
When Wendy Kirby of Swampscott got engaged to Kris, they were in their late 20s and living together. “I had everything, so we didn’t really register,” she recalls. “I don’t think our registries were anything like someone who gets married at 21 or right after college.”
But she registered at the traditional spots: “Macy’s, only because it’s national and we have friends all around the U.S., and Crate and Barrel because it’s inexpensive.”
They wanted to replace the hand-me-downs that filled their home, but they had already had the pots, pans, and kitchenware. “We were both new into our careers, and not making much money; we didn’t have plates that matched.”
They ended up with getting 85 percent of what they registered for: tableware, informal china, silverware that matched, and new sheets, “expensive ones I wouldn’t buy on my own.”
Couples today are living together long before they say ‘I do.’ Or they are getting married for the second, or third. They have the usual registry items already, although some may be trading their Revereware for All-Clad. Others are registering online for honeymoons (check out AfterIDo.com or www.yourhoneymoonregistry.com), or asking for computer equipment, restaurant gift certificates, even tools from Home Depot.
“We had a young girl and her mother come in last week asking to do a bridal registry,” says David Pfeil, a service desk employee at Home Depot in Saugus. “It was a new one on me. I had to get the head cashier to explain it to us. The woman had half the registry picked out by her, and half by her husband.” He picked out items in the tool corral, lawn and garden, and a tractor, while she headed for the home décor and kitchen and bath area of the store. Home Depot does them all the time. “As a guy, you know, I don’t know much about bridal registries, but it’s not a bad idea,” says Pfeil, married 28 years. “I’d be looking for a circular saw or a power screwdriver. Or maybe if they sold golf clubs…”
The notion of the bridal shower can be traced back several centuries when legend has it the daughter of a rich merchant fell in love with a poor man. When her disapproving dad denied a dowry, the sympathetic townspeople ''showered'' them with gifts for their future home. The Victorians echoed the shower idea by placing tiny gifts into an umbrella, which was opened over the bride-to-be. Some of today’s brides are asking to be showered with BMWs at online spots like theknot.com, but most -- about 42 percent of all couples -- register in specialty stores. Couples in the U.S. registered for $27.5 billion worth of gifts, or an average of $6,800 per couple, two years ago. With the Internet shopping becoming commonplace, online gift registries made $1.2 billion in 1998; that’s expected to rise to $17 billion by 2004. That’s because more people are getting married, although the average bride is 28 before she puts on the ring. Nearly a third of Crate and Barrel’s business is in registries.
“The average bride ends up at Crate and Barrel,” says Elsa Pinto-Melikian, founder and CEO of yourweddingregistry.com. “Our brides are not average. They want to make sure they create a gift registry of what is a reflection of who they are, and how their home will look. They register for museum tickets to the Louve, gourmet cooking stores, even for a pure-bred dog.”
She started the California-based brick-and-mortar company when, getting married for the second time, she went to register at Williams Sonoma and found she had everything she wanted. But they had just bought a home, and so she started looking into registering for paint, gardening tools, and plants – “before I knew it, there was no place to go to register. I don’t have china, I don’t use it, doesn’t get used very often. I don’t like not having a choice.”
Pinto-Melikian’s customers have registered for bales of hay for their horse farm, Ace Hardware goods, and West Marine for boating supplies. Couples submit what they want, where they can find it or whether they want the company to find it for them, and yourweddings.com sends out elegant announcement cards to wedding guests, who can in turn access the list online.
“One couple, the only thing they wanted was a computer, for $5,000, so we let them do it, but asked our guests to have fun with it, to purchase it in small, bite-sized pieces -- mouse, keyboard, screen, software – nothing was over $150. The computer was so she could work at home.”
One of her clients created a list whose least-expensive item on her registry list was $800. “Even if your last name is Getty, that is presumptuous.” She warned the bride to provide a wide price range of items, but she wouldn’t listen. She ended up with nothing from her list.
Actually, a registry is a reflection of who you are, she says. “A bride must think ‘Who is coming to my wedding?’ and ask themselves, ‘Are my guests going to think am I a hedonistic girl? A lot of times the other side of the family is learning who she really is from what she chooses. She is making a statement.”
“In southern California we see a incredible level of narcissitic behavior -- they register at REI, they want golf clubs and canoes. What they don’t realize is that they have aunts uncles who are not happy with this hedonistic behavior.“
Even in the 21st century, however, decorum reigns. Most etiquette experts agree that couples should not ask for money, and says if a couple can’t afford a honeymoon to France, they should not ask their guests to pay for it.
Many different cultures do allow the collection of money at the wedding -- guests at a Chinese wedding offer envelopes of cash when the couple visits their table, and Polish brides are pinned with money. Today, many couples often try to return their stash for cash, although many stores are cracking down on this. Websites such as theknot.com allow customers to register for money or Amex checks, (as well as a BMW Roadster); other sites offer downpayment dowries.
Mary T. of Revere was 38 when she decided to get married again. She still has the china and silverware from her first marriage, although that’s in storage, never used. And since her divorce 5 years ago, she and her new fiancé have feathered their nest with the blender, the cappuccino maker, and a whole set of Fiestaware. So when, as a bride to be again, she walked the floors of Crate and Barrel, Macy’s, and other traditional bridal registry stores, she says, “I was underwhelmed. I decided that we really didn’t need more toasters. I was putting things on the list that I really didn’t want.” After some discussion, what she and her future husband decided that they did want was a downpayment. Her mom set up a fund via the FHA Bridal Registry Program at www.hud.gov/bridal.html, which sets up an account with a qualified bank. They ended up with nearly $10,000 for their future home. “I know it sounds tacky, but I’d rather my friends’ gifts went toward something that would really help my fiancé and my life together. In my mind, I think that’s kinda romantic.”
Other Websites to check out for alternative registry ideas: Guild.com, the Madison online art retailer, has launched a bridal gift registry as part of a new effort to make its mark as a company that sells artful home décor; and Amazon.com has geared its registry for the post-china crowd as well. For those who would prefer to send their money to help stop human rights abuses in China, the I Do Foundation (www.idofoundation.org) provides charitable-giving registry options.
Martha Stewart says that if a couple is sharing a home already equipped with china, appliances and so forth, “It is acceptable to register for other things, such as luggage, camping equipment, electronics, CDs, books or decorative items like picture frames, vases or artwork.” Stewart also recommends whimsical theme showers, such as guests bringing an antique teacup for the bride’s future tea parties; holiday-specific heirlooms such as a turkey platter and champagne flutes for New years; or stocking the couple’s wine cellar.
One couple included a blank recipe card in their invitations asking attendees to write a recipe for a successful marriage, rather than give a gift. On indiebride.com, one couple plans to request something along the lines of: “"Because we already have all the material comforts we need, we ask that your only gift to us be your joyful presence at our celebration."
Well…OK. But for many couples Gen Y on up, sometimes the question is: Do we really need to buy china? The answer is usually yes: According to Modern Bride, fine tableware is on 75 percent of all registries.
At Macy’s, Wendy Kirby picked out a Lenox pattern, Federal Platinum bone china, but she told their friends that china was a low priority on their list. Still, she felt pressured to include a pattern. “Some people like to buy traditional gifts. When you’re an older person, they will go off the list if you don’t put traditional things on the list. … We got four place settings – actually, we wanted 12. Occasionally we’ll still get them as gifts, and we’ll buy some pieces occasionally, but we don’t even use our china. Once, on our anniversary.”
Still, her husband’s mother pulls out the china all the time, and they know someday they will pull out theirs, when they’re giving the holiday dinners: “It’s heirloom quality, and timeless.”
Today’s more everyday china is versatile enough to go into the microwave, and yet resist chipping. Brides in their 20s come to Filenes to pick out the brighter colored Royal Dalton and Lenox, says sales associate Yuliana Batista. Adds Filenes bridal consultant Nancy Shea, young couples get the pots and pans and luggage, and ask a lot of questions about what to buy. “They are more handheld – we show them what they need to start a home. Older couples in their 30s already know what they want: the everyday china, like Mikasa and Pfaalgraaf.” She also notices many older couples who at first feel pressured to shop for the china, and then get into it. “They’re getting the finer things they wouldn’t have bought for themselves, like Waterford and special-occasion china. They already have a condo or a home, their careers under way, and they’re looking for better stuff.” Shea reports seeing more older than younger couples getting married, many of whom are setting up online registries by scanning items in the store. “They want to do it fast, do their thing and leave. But they find out they have to come back three or four times.”
